Tuesday, 3 January 2017

No Title.


Assalamu'alaikum Warrahmatullah.

Its 1 am. and I'm awake.
Guess I'm randomly gonna write in here, just for the reasons that I couldn't sleep.

I don't know what to write though. Everyday it seems like there are so many things to let out.
But in the end. I chose to kept it to myself. Huh, what a Walnuthead --' (I am totally influenced by the Tales from the Borderlands)

Most people, when they see me. They will say, ''You look stronger from the outsides''.
I mean, yeah. Why wouldn't I. Well, everyone seems strong from their outside because no matter how many friends you've got. There are always something, always. Something. that you will keep it only to yourself. That could be the only reasons why you stayed strong for so long, ignoring whatever that happens in this world. Am I right? Or you are that type of person who tells every single solitary things to your so called best-friend-forever?. Seriously.
That was so not cool.
C'mon, can't you survive keeping everything to yourself? What a bummer.

I've always wanted to be someone who is resistant to the every-college-dramas whatnot. I've always wanted to not rely so much on people, and that I could make everything on my own.
But sometimes when you don't care about the world and just do what you had to do. You are the one to be blamed. Yet if you care, it can still be a mistake for some people whom are overloaded with jealousies.

''Huh. Jealous much?'' I wish I could say that to those faces who irritates me while flipping my hair.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

I wish..


Assalamu'alaikum warrahmatullah.

Dear bloggie,

For I am now a "not-so-officially graduated" but more to like "someone that has officially ended my studying session in my college", or briefly said, FREEEEEE, I decided to start searching for more and more idea on what to update on my blog. Kinda lost, kinda so. 

Now that I've stumbled upon here, I should begin writing something good, at least, right? Myy, I have no idea what to write. Let me see. *staring at the ceiling. Usually when people think, they often look at the ceiling don't they? or not exactly ceiling but you most probably look upward for no reason. Righto? No? Fine. LOL
Okay enough babbling.

There are always so many things that I planned to write but I end up not writing it and soon after that, I totally forget about it. What to do. I aged a lot now. --' So let's just simply start with something random. Who knows I'll get my precious idea later. 

Yosh! *CLAP!* Currently I have TEN hamsters to take care of, having a hard time to put them in a more comfortable place but I tried my best though. Alsoo I need to spend more on their food and stuffs like that. People around me keep asking, what is the point of taking care of "these things". Correction you guys, they're not just things. They are my pets, my babies, my best friends and my room mates. You have no idea what they means to me. I am a person who lived alone (most of the time). Half of my life, I spent it alone, in my tiny room. Okay I won't make it sounds too dramatic like I was the only one in this world who ever lived alone. Oh come on. *mata ke atas 

Because when I'm home, I really have no one to play with. Abah and mama aged a lot. They look much older now. Of course, that's what aging means, what am I thinking. Pfft *bang head. But no, I just wanna say that, last time they played with me a lot. They entertained me, they were everything. They made my day. I'm not saying that now they are not. I mean, they are, it's just that the situation has become more and more different than before. I wish I could stop the time at when I am 7 years old. Because Abah and Mama are much healthier than they are now. Huh it's not good to sigh over bad things that happened to us right? But i just have no idea who else to talk this to. 

I just want Abah and Ma to be healthy, laugh like hell with me. Creating a very cheerful surroundings. Now things are much different when I sit alone in my room, and suddenly Ma called me out loud saying Abah is not feeling well. Everytime that happens, my heart skipped a beat. I can't breathe properly because I'm afraid that tragedy where Abah was diagnosed with a heart attack, happens again. No. I don't want it. 

All this while my parents have been with me. What am I without them. I'm nothing. 

OK! Enough with those sad stories. My gosh I hate it when I expect that this blog hears everything I said and hug me to console me for every pains I've gone through. I keep expecting and expecting. I also keep forgetting that this is all virtual. 

At first I wanna talk about my hamster, see how far this goes?  
This blog can deceives me to let out all my secrets, Phew I have to be super cautious. --' This is not really me tho'.

Milky has given birth to a baby called Mirmo. I named it after Mirmo Zibanggggg. Kawaii? Just like M-. Fill in the blank. *self-praise moment
The baby is sooo friggin cute I can bite him and chew him and spit him out and bite him all over again. *PukulPukul
It's not exactly 'him' though because I haven't figure out what gender the baby has. The fur are so much like the dad (Choco) but that doesn't mean the baby is male, doesn't it? HAHA whatever I don't intend to know the gender. I just love him so much. 

Carrot has also given birth to 5 cute little babies, and guess what. Of all 5 babies, there is only one baby hamster that has the fur exactly like Carrot. The rest inherit Makky. I loooooove how they grow up healthily and play with each other. Carrot Junior (the one who looks like Carrot) always sleep by his/her mother's side. So annoying yet lovable, I feel like teasing him/her all the time. *I did tho'. Teehee (copy Ryan's style)

Now I have someone or something to play with when I come home. Last time, without these babies, I have nothing much to do at home. Sits alone in my room, play laptop and read novels and wake up the next day doing the exact freaking same things. 
LIFELESS huh? Exactly *nod nod
These are basically the reasons of why I want these hamsters with me. They kinda complete me. I have a few people that I love but I couldn't bring them home and make them stay with me. I love my bestsisterfriend, Nicoh but I couldn't bring her home. I can't have her with me all the time. Kiah too, I can't always bring her with me. People that I love are so far away from me. How do you expect me not to be lonely? Pfft. Sometimes I just had this stupid wish  "I wish my brothers didn't died."



Friday, 29 January 2016




Dear bloggie,

It's been a while since I write.
I've so many things to write but not enough time for it.
Should've spend most of my free times thinking about what to write in here, but still I chose not to.
I don't know what to write. I'm just gonna write anything that comes out from my mind.

Is it possible for someone to be bored around you?
I don't know. Maybe yes. Maybe no.
Sometimes I think so. Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I don't understand the world. Sometimes I think that I do understand it.

When someone stayed with us for too long, and that we gave so much problems.
It is possible for someone to be bored around us?
They must have think like, "Boy, not again".

I may not know if people are bored being with me through their words but their actions might show it. But sometimes, my predictions can be wrong because everyone has a problem of their own.

When things change, it's a little too hard for us to fix it.
It doesn't worth a try.

It doesn't matter anymore.
Someone used to said.

"Hey hanis. I got a room-mate and she's one of a kind. She never cares going out alone. She doesn't give a damn about having a companion
wherever she go. I asked her why do you become like this. Why do you place yourself far from others? You did not really socialize. You really dont care, dont you?
How can you do that? And she replied. 


Ive lost enough. Ive been close to these people and guess what? They end up died and leave me alone. Im tired of being too close to someone. Im tired of loving
someone too much, because I know, they'll end up change and leave the hell outta me. Can u fix that? Can you? Of course you can't.
So stop asking me why, I choose to be alone."

I learn one thing from the story. You can't love someone too much. You'll end up hurting yourself when they leave.
You can't be too close to someone. Cause if she left, you'd suffer more.

I wanted to be happy. 
But everything is not the same anymore.
I just want to find someone whom I can really put my trust and love on.

And it's getting harder now.
I understand if Im the reason people wanna back away from me.
I understand Im the reason. Ive always be the reason why people dont like being with me for too long.
And I will always be the reason.

I fricking hate myself. 
I wish mom never gave birth to me.
I wish mom never had me.
I wish i didnt meet whoever I met.
I wish I could turn back time.
If only I can read people's heart.

It'd be easier. 



Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Someone Who Loves


Assalamu'alaikum warrahmatullah.

Dear bloggie,

It's hard to satisfy people.

I learned that there are various types of people in this world.
There are people who accepts me at the front and talk poop about me behind my back.
There are people who seems to hate me so much when they see me, and talk poop about me behind my back.
There are people who doesn't even know me, and judge me for how they see me from the outside.
There are people who used to be my everything, talk poop about me in just a second when I turned my back on her, because of her own mistakes.
There are people who act like they're so good with me, and end up criticizing me.
There are people who always find mistakes in everything I do, without even realizing they make a worser mistake than me.
There are people who sometimes likes me, and sometimes don't. Depending on the situation.
There are people who hates the way I dressed, the way I treat other people well, the way I smile, the way I walk, the way I handle myself, the way I study, the way I scored in every tests, the way I drive my car, the way I shop, the way I do everything.
There are people who see my appearance, and judges me bad.
There are people who doesn't even know me, and say that I acted to be pious.
There are people who find me, only when they need something from me. After that, they'll treat me like rubbish.
There are people who acted nice just to get something from me. Once they get it, their kindness will be gone.
There are people who make a fake smile when they see me, but in their heart they cursed over and over again.
There are people who don't like they way I socialize, the way I make status, my profile picture, my moments. Everything never seems right.
There are people who won't miss me, even when I'm not around.

None of them truly wants to approach me sincerely, knows me better because they judge everything.
None of them truly loves me, and cried when I'm no longer with them.
None of them truly tries to understand the way I live my life. The way I bring myself to the public.

They acted so much.
They lied so much.
They hurt me so much.
They annoyed me so much.
Because they treat me that way, I changed.
Because they acted so much, I acted better.
I fake a smile, better than they did.
Because they lied so much, I lied better.
I lied to myself better, saying "It's okay, hanis." when everything is clearly falling apart.
Because they hurt me so much, I hurt myself better.
I hurt myself by giving them more love, and receive more hatred everyday.
Because they annoyed me so much, I annoyed myself better.
I annoyed myself by saying that "They're all good to me.", when HELL I know, they're not even close to it.

I hang on because I know these will be over, soon.
I don't wanna argue over littlest and stupidest things anymore.
I don't wanna start a war, even If i wanted to, SO BAD.
I wanna clear everything and start over.
But I realize, it is getting to the end, so let's just go on and finish the story.

Of all people who says they love me, I only find one true LOVE here.
Love of a sister.

Although I annoyed her so bad.
I kicked her butt.
I punched her.
I pulled her hair.
I yelled at her.
I sulked.
I pissed her off.
I made her cry.
I hurt her.
I teased her.
I disturbed her.
I kissed her.
I hugged her.
I cried with her.
I told her everything.
I gave my all to her.

She still, stay with me.
She said, we fight over so many things because we're KYOUDAI(Siblings) !

I really want her to know, that she's the first person I want to live together with, forever and after. I want to live with her until my old time. I want to see her build her own family and be with her until I'm dead. I want to meet her in Jannah, and live together again with her.

I love her, so much that I couldn't afford to live without her.

I love you my dear baby sister, MeiMei.
You're the first person in this world who is not fake, who shares the same interest with me,
who is being genius together with me (LOL), who loves jokes and laugh like hell together.
Who treats me like I'm your own family.
I'm touched by your love.

I always said this.
I don't mind not having anyone else around me anymore.
As long as I got my parents, my sisters, my nephew and niece.
And YOU.

It doesn't matter if everyone else hates me. Even if the whole world stand against me, you still promised to stay with me.

I'd love you, until my last breath.

Monday, 31 August 2015



Assalamu'alaikum warrahmatullah.

Dear bloggie,

So! Today is 30 / 08 / 2015.
A big day for a special person in my life, my mom.
It has been 55 years since you were born and I know It has been rough throughout those years.
Be it happiness or sadness or frustration or breakdown or sickness, you have been through them all.
Giving birth to me is one of the hardship you've been through, which breaks my heart a little everytime I think about it.

Everytime you tell me a story about how hard it was giving birth to me, compared to my siblings.
I was like "Noooo, it's too painful. I can't handle it."
And it must be more painful to you, of course.
22 years living with you, I know I always make you mad and annoyed taking care of me.
Ever since I was a kid, I like to fuss around and make some troubles.
I'm a really bad daughter,aren't I?
But you never complained.

I remember everytime you want something, and I want that thing too, you'll give it up to me and said, "I don't need that or I don't like that or I'm already full(when it comes to food)."
I'm sorry I didn't understand your intention back then.
I only take what I want without thinking about you.
But now I understand the situation better and I always knew it when you lied.

When you say "I don't want" but you're giving that "I want but it's okay" look.
This time, it's my turn to return you a favor.
It's my turn to give up everything I have just for your sake.
It's my turn to take care of you.
It's my turn to do everything you ever did to me.

I just got back from my sister's house, baking some cookies for mom.
and tadaaaaaa :3

I thought of buying cake at first but I realized mom can't really eat cakes because it's too sweet.
So I share with my sister and we bought a basket of fruits!
I bet mom will love it!

So, ma.
I wanna take this "invinsible" chance(since ma won't read in here) to thank you.
For giving me the best thing out of my life.
Thanks for giving birth to a so-not-normal kid like me and having you suffered from the pain of it.
It was hard, wasn't it?
I used to think, I better not born than making your life hard.
But there must be a reason of why you have me.

I will try my best to fulfill all your wants in the future.
I'm sorry for all of the troubles I've caused and for being stubborn and rebel sometimes? Haha.
I'm sorry ma.
I will be a good daughter.
I will!

Thanks for everything and have a good birthday, ma.
I can't even imagine how to live if you're not here by my side.
Thanks for teaching me how to live and survive.
I love you to the moon and the back!

Che Rahaya Bte Embong.

A very happy birthday.
Semoga ma dipanjangkan umur, diberi keberkatan umur.
Semoga ma terus kuat menghadapi ape saje cabaran hidup and senyum macam selalu.
Semoga Allah bagi ma kesihatan and hapuskan semua penyakit yang ada.
Semoga ma dapat tengok kejayaan anak anak ma satu hari nanti.
Semoga ma bahagia didunia mahupun di akhirat,
Semoga kita boleh jumpa di pintu syurga and hidup sama sama selamanya.
Semoga yang terbaik dan indah dalam dunia ni milik ma.

You stubborn daughter,



p.s Little sister, in case if you're reading this. Let's share this happiness together. My mom is your mom too. <3

Thursday, 27 August 2015

"Priceless" Friendship


Assalamu'alaikum warrahmatullah.

Dear bloggie,

I don't know if it's necessary to talk about someone whom I hate in here.
But well since there are no any other places for me to let out my feelings, so yeah.
I'm still gonna write it in here.
Whoever cares?

This guy.
He really gets into my nerves.
I think I have forgotten him long ago but I don't know, lately I've been thinking about him.
Not thinking as in I'm in love with him. Again. Pfft.
But I'm thinking, how on earth did I fall for this guy before?
I mean, how stupid I was back then? Unbelievable.

That night when I decided to end everything between me and him,
I was like "You figured you'd toy with me until someone better came along and I wouldn't mind because I was lucky a rich boy wanted me."
You know what is the stupidest act you could ever do in your life?
You fall for a guy you know you're not right for.
And even stupider, when you fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different.

But I'm lucky because I know I'm not good enough for him and that he can never be happy being with me.
And I'm luckier because I realized he couldn't be any different.
It's a good thing I realized it sooner.
And I'm lucky I stopped loving him since then.

During last eid, I called him (as a friend). Well, nothing more or less, just to stop by to his house because my friends somehow wanted to go to his house and they was like, "Can you call him?"
I hesitated because I know he wouldn't want me to go. Well why would he pick up my call and say yes?
But I called him anyway because I thought why would we keep bringing the old story to the present time and being carried away by our anger. Right?
Well that was definitely what I think.

But! It's different for him.
He picked up my call because I used my other phone number to call him.
He coldly told me he wasn't home when I know he was.
I knew it when he lied.

But nevermind.
He's got one girl best friend who are close to me when I was his girlfriend.
But now, she's gone too.
I guess that's what friendship meant to them.
Was I that cheap?

I was so stupid.

Watch me, all my dreams will come true.
And it will involves none of you.

How could I be fooled like this?
They, whom I trusted has stomped all over me.
Coldly turned their back against me.
Now there's nothing that could be done.
Look at me now, answer me.
Why you're acting this way to me?
Now nobody can stop me.
I don't want to be played by you anymore.
I'm slowly starting to clench my fist, to begin my revenge.
You'll get the same amount of pain that I received.
Making fun of my calls out to you.
I'll chew you to pieces and spit you back out.

I can't believe I have so many revenges.
I've been keeping everything for too long, and this is how it turn out to be.
I pity myself though.
It's tiring.



Wednesday, 26 August 2015

You're not Specially Special


Assalamu'alaikum warrahmatullah.

In this life, I always wonder.
Can we be special to at least someone?
Be it mom, dad, sis, bro, whoever in this world.

That feeling of wanting to be special, is not something weird any more.
It's like, a normality.
A prove as to someone's normality.
It's normal in every people, wanting to be love, to be spoiled.

In every so called phase of my life, ever since I was in the kindergarten.
I never felt special.
I was abandoned.
Simply because of my background.
Well I'm not from a rich family.
There are things in this world, you know.
Where you often see it in television but it's happening in real life.
You know kids from not-so-rich family will be easily knocked down even if they try hard to win.
Me? Don't even ask.
I think my life as a kid sucks back then.
Even so, I wanted to go back to that life so bad comparing to the life I had now.
I wish I could be a kid forever.
Being push aside? Being bullied?
I experienced them. But kids like me won't care much at those kind of things, right?
Cause all they know, they wanted to play and enjoy their childhood.

I wish I have that "I don't know what's going on or I dont care what's going on" feeling than "What did I do wrong or What do i do now" feeling.


I really want to be special to someone.
The last time I think I was special, I was dumped harshly.
I also wanna be "Why do I have to care about being special" person but then, even if I tried not to care.
I end up feeling that way.
Like, begging in my heart.
Wanting to be special to someone so bad, that when I see another person being treated more special than me, I feel somehow, sulky.

Isn't that childish?

It totally is.

I wanted to be special, but don't conquer me and control my happiness.
I want that kind of life.

I guess being special ain't easy.
I don't want a life where I think I'm special but I end up hurting.
I'd rather live recklessly and do my own things rather than being treated that way.
If I'm special, why do I have to be the same as others?
Why treat others, more special than me?
Then, why give so much hopes?
Why hurt me in the end?

I hate jerk.

Once I'm done with someone, I will never turn back.
Even if I do.
It will never be the same.